Tonglen

Old Richard has aged, but not that much wiser, he thinks he lives in the 4th dimension and is now on his way to the 5th dimension. He looks down on me like a simple soul from the 3rd dimension. He gave me some unsolicited advice and that was it:"Breathe out the bad and inhale the good". I then said,:Thank you for your advice, but i do the exact opposite, I breathe in the bad and transform that and breathe in the good, love again". “But that is mastery,” he exclaimed in horror, because he thought I was incapable of that.

Tonglen is what the bodhisattvas do too, the bodhisattavas are realized beings who postpone buddhahood in order to better help others first.

What Richard suggested was give the shit and want to get the love, it is may I catch it and an abhorrence of pain with a tendency not to process it, no pain no gain. Love is in you and you give and share and then you automatically receive.

I read a wonderful story by Nancy Groom, she writes: “I remember the amazement I felt when my counselor cried when I told her a story of abuse. I hadn't felt the depth of my grief on my own until my counselor mirrored it to me through her tears and then I was able to let my pain come in at a much deeper level.". Which counselor has so much love to give that he or she can cry for the client's pain?, I have not encountered them, they were all cold and aloof and called that behavior a professional attitude and so were very pleased with themselves and felt superior, there was no love in it.

Allowing the pain of the other to enter and giving love in return, that's tonglen and that reminds me of my father. I told him things weren't going so well with me and my marriage and then he got tears in his eyes and felt my pain, which I only then became more aware of, I felt his love for me and his sympathy and pity and that did me good. It also opened my eyes to the fact that I had hidden and repressed that bad feeling from myself. When I hear Kate Bush's song 'The man with the child in his eyes' I think of my father with love.

The western world is in his thinking and that bothered me too. Letting the pain come in and realizing that you can give even more love and it will get more the more you give and share. Giving and receiving are one.

We cannot have love and compassion for another if we do not have it for ourselves first, that is a condition for being able to do tonglen, start small with the pain of a friend or acquaintance and let it come in and give back love and then build it up and up until you get to your town or city. Tonglen means "take and give" in Tibetan. By accepting and feeling the suffering of others, we learn to do the same for ourselves.

As you progress with tonglen along the way, you can imagine taking in all the misery of the world you know, all darkness, negativity you let your heart absorb, you breathe it in. When you exhale, joy comes, compassion and love and you give that back to the world. The moment you take in the suffering of the world, you will find that it is no longer suffering. Pain is there, but suffering is a choice.

My friend Peter de Kock drew my attention to the story of a donkey that fell into an old well. The farmer thought "It's an old donkey and not much use anymore and the well needs to be filled in anyway so let it sit there" With his neighbours, the farmer started throwing dirt into the well to fill up the well. At first the donkey was startled by this, but then brayed gently and lovingly. The farmer looked into the well and was amazed to see that the donkey shook off the dirt and stood on it, getting higher and higher, until he could get out of the well. Moral of this story is: Life also shovels dirt on you the trick is to get out of the pit and shake off the dirt and use it as stepping stones to get out of the pit and beyond.