Care or control?
Care or control?
I once had a consultation with a middle-aged couple. The couple started to argue in front of me. The man - clearly upset - turned to me and said: See what is happening? I care about her so much and this is what I get in return. ” To which his wife reacted furiously: “He doesn't care about me at all. He just wants to check on me!”
The husband's care was seen by his wife as controlling.
This incident got me thinking. What is caring and what is control? And how do you make the distinction? The answer became clear to me during an argument with my teenage daughter about an everyday parenting issue. Hard words had fallen back and forth, and we were both in tears.
A while later, when the emotions had subsided, we apologized to each other. My daughter hugged me and said: “Papa, do you know why you were upset? You weren't mad because I was doing it wrong, but you were angry because I did not take your advice. That's a big difference!”
I was amazed at her mature thinking; she had unknowingly answered my question. Under the guise of concern, I had tried to restrain her. That had been the cause of the conflict.
When I really care about someone, I will not get angry with that person. I will keep looking for different ways to help them.
When I'm struggling in a relationship I need to keep a close eye on subtle control hidden behind my apparent concern . Caring is an expression of love, while control is an expression of the ego.
Control removed. Care connects.
Control hurts. Care heals.
Keep taking care of people, but don't control them.
People are usually not wrong, they are just "different".
Keep worried… 😊
Larra Shah on Facebook, translated by Leontine van Mourik
