How do you let go

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How do you let go?:

Many problems can be solved by letting them go, also a Chinese wisdom is that many problems solve themselves if you no longer identify with them.

Here are some tips and recommendations on how to let go successfully.

-by realizing that what you experience in eternity, who you are, represents nothing
-by letting go of your control, everything you try to control, controls you and man proposes and God disposes
-by adding love and compassion to your life, if that still doesn't help, double the dose
-by practicing mindfulness, So to be completely in the here and now: observant, attentive and aware. An offer from Karma Kickstart for your reader, a good and effective mindfulness course now with 20 euro discount from 69 euro voor 49 euro pass on the following discount code when registering: Henny20Korting, success with it. You can google Karma Kickstart.
-by integrating your inner child
-by adding awareness
-by realizing that what annoys and irritates you, are aspects of yourself that you don't want to see yet
-by not expecting anything from anyone else, only from yourself. With the exception of demand-love
-by fully accepting yourself with your ups and downs and with your dark sides
-by not taking an insult or attack personally, it says more about the other
-realize that the biggest setback, the greatest misery lead to the most beautiful insights and discoveries: when your ego cries your soul smiles
-don't be led/suffered by the past. You can't change that, the way you look at it. Admit: it got you better, made wiser and stronger, so let go of the negative image and replace it with a grateful attitude.
-by respecting yourself and therefore also the other
-realize it doesn't have to be perfect: we are perfectly imperfect
-by paying more attention to your needs than to your desires, the wise Mencius already pointed this out to me
-by not taking big steps, but every day to take a small step, like they do in Kaizen, goethe be there too
-by accepting that you can get a no as an answer to your question, if you don't accept that you demand and that's not good.
-go with the flow and work with grace
-be grateful: every encounter and circumstance is to love or learn from, you are always a winner!
-realize that your environment is the mirror of yourself, so if you see the imperfection in the other, denk dan eerst aan je eigen onvolkomenheid. See my book The drama of being mirrored.
-don't rely too much on past achievements and successes, be open and be like a beginner.
-leave the good, your comfort zone, los, it is the greatest enemy of the great and magisterial
-replace negative- and positive thinking through right thinking, that assists you in further growth and development
-embrace and accept your so-called negative emotions, they are valuable messengers and unleash your aversion to and fight against negative emotions, then they transform into good. Nietzsche zei: "Anything That Doesn't Kill Me", makes me stronger
-don't be greedy but be generous, give of your being and let go of possessiveness
-don't take things too personally.
-realize that we are human beings and not human doings, don't lose yourself in doing: don't live to work, but work to live
-release guilt through the Ho'oponopono Mantra: I love you, Thank you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me..
-by letting go of what others say and think about you, by realizing that what Peter says about Paul, says more about Peter than about Paul, it takes one to know one!
-let go of anger and hatred and replace it with forgiveness. To hate someone is to take a deadly pill, hoping the other dies
-Amerikanen zeggen: ‘Don’t become bitter, become better.
-by doing the container exercise: you say aloud the feeling you want to let go and clap your hands hard and throw it violently into an imaginary container and send it to Our Lord. And you're off!
-by immersing yourself in Taoism
-by practicing Kaizen, always take small steps.
-by counting your blessings
-by realizing that a loss, something that you had to let go is often a liberation
-through self-reflection, take responsibility yourself and accept your negative side and not project it onto the other person
-by contacting an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) coach/counselor, I'm a certified ACT coach/counselor
-by applying spiritual judo, example: if someone insults you move along and don't fight it, making it worse making it absurd and leaving the insulter timid
-by following the advice of wise and loving people and arriving at Self-realization…..if your dear reader email Henny20Discount to hennybos@xs4all you will get 20 euro discount on the first consultation of one hour, so instead of 60 pay you 30 euro.. on www.hennybos.com you can see my vision at Coaching+.

Bron: Boek: The challenge of letting go- Henny Bos

Ego vs. Self

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Ego vs. Self

The ego always causes trouble and is never satisfied and never grateful.
The ego is greedy and always falls short, problems with acquiring more things. The ego competes instead of cooperating with all its problems, see further the schedule:

A narcissist as a friend

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A narcissist as a friend?

The people who appear most charming are often narcissists. Once he has won your trust he hands out the sheets and also the pillowcases, he destroys, is a wrecker.

Such a 'friend' drugs you with good groceries and gifts and misleads you, he convinces you that he is ok, the go-ahead for him to start with abuse.

It can sometimes take many years. I have ca 3.000 people coached by phone and many were victims of narcissists. The narcissist knows how to wind everyone's fingers. Everyone tells you that your narcissistic friend is okay, that makes you insecure. Exactly the intent of the narcissist.

The codependent person mainly thinks about the needs of the narcissist and the narcissist only thinks about his own needs. This is how the sick relationship continues. It's she loves him and so does he!

Friendship with a narcissist is a fake friendship, the narcissist doesn't care at all how you are doing. He only sees you as an extension of himself and to take advantage of.

Wijzijnmind.nl comes with the following characteristics of narcissists with some additions from me.

The diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder should be made by a psychiatrist or psychologist. The disorder begins in early adulthood and is manifested by at least five of the following::
The person has an inflated sense of self-importance. For example, someone exaggerates their achievements or talent and expects to be treated as superior, even if the performance does not give reason to do so.
The person is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, power, genius, beauty or ideal love.
The person sees themselves as unique or “very special”. The person expects to be understood only by, or hearing about other very special people or people (or settings) with a high status.
The person craves extreme admiration.
The person has a sense of having special rights. This means that a person has an unreasonable expectation of exceptionally benevolent treatment of others. Or someone expects someone else to automatically go along with his or her expectations.
The person takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own goals.
The person has a lack of empathy; he or she is unwilling to acknowledge or empathize with the feelings and needs of others.
The person is often jealous of others or thinks that others are jealous of him or her.
The person is arrogant or shows haughty behavior.
The person lies and cheats
The person gaslights to make you insecure, says he said things to you that he didn't say at all. Or that you said things you never said!
The person can not take criticism then he becomes very fierce and angry

mindlercare.com comes with types of narcissism

Types of narcissism
Nice and charming from the outside, but deep inside scared, furious or even aggressive. A narcissist is someone with two faces. Narcissistic personality disorder distinguishes between two different types: Overt narcissism and covert narcissism. Both overt narcissists and covert narcissists expect better treatment than others. They feel superior and that usually comes at the expense of others. So where exactly is the difference?? Let's zoom in on each type:
overt narcissism (grandiose narcissism)
Arrogance is not strange to an open narcissist, And he's not ashamed to say it at all. Moreover, he is not afraid to seek confrontation. They are bursting with confidence and ambition.
In an overt narcissist lies the narcissistic, often demanding, behavior on the surface. It is clearly visible to the outside world. But because the overt narcissist also has a lot of charm, he is not addressed about it in the first place.
hidden narcissism
A covert narcissist is much harder to spot. It is someone who appears charming and friendly to the outside world, but once home can suddenly turn like a leaf on a tree.
That mask they put on for the outside world is very important for a hidden narcissist. He will do everything he can to be liked. Want, that's what he thinks, that's the way to get recognition and appreciation. And that is very important for a narcissist. This is also why a covert narcissist often has friends who do less than they do in certain areas. at least, that's what the narcissist thinks. He can now take care of the other like a hero and is therefore found sympathetic.
With a covert narcissist, they seem to show empathetic behavior when someone is in trouble or in pain, but that's just a farce. They pretend. Inside, covert narcissists are selfish and calculating – just like overt narcissists.

Bron: Boek: quips (Friendship) – Henny Bos 2022

Your own enemy

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To come to true friendship with ourSelf, may we first become aware of, the often unconscious, enmity. We get to know things through their opposite. When I discovered that I was an enemy to myself I started to love myself. The Bible says not for nothing: “Love your enemies!”

Als je de vijand buiten je ziet denk dan maar aan de vijand in je die gespiegeld wordt in 90% van de gevallen. Vaak denk, voel en doe je codependent. Zie mijn boek ‘Anderenwaarde, over codependentie’.

Codependent as you are usually, without you being aware of, your enemy. M’n vriend Peter de Kock zei: "Codependency is at war with yourself ', your enemy and so he is not alone, many authors support him in that thought and vision. Laat die vijandschap los en kies voor vrede en harmonie en bewustheid!

Codependent if you think the opinion of others about you overly important, even more important than your own opinion of yourself, you do then everything to the mind, to control feelings and actions of the other person and what you are trying to control, check you and then you are again a victim of your own war. Laat de mening van anderen los: ze kennen zichzelf niet eens, en jou dus helemaal niet!

Your low self-esteem provide an inner critic who tells you that you are not okay, not good enough, no good, the love of others does not deserve, the other will reject at the time he or she will really know, you have to efface yourself to others,etc. Laat ook die innerlijke criticus los, stuur hem of haar met pensioen.

Wij kijken vaak naar de ander om onszelf te leren kennen, en kijken dus in de spiegel.

Here are some quotations from authors on your own enemy to follow his, the realization of which is more than half of the solution and healing and the restoration of peace and love in your heart and being and to interdependence.

“Our greatest enemies, the ones we must fight most often, are within.” – Thomas Paine, statesman

Mary J Blige: The enemy was me!!!

Rumi:"He who finds no flaws in himself is his greatest enemy

I was looking at my greatest enemy and when I looked in the mirror I saw him!

The enemy that you see from the outside is a mirror of yourself….

If you do not know yourself, you are your worst enemy and you are not aware of it.

“The only devils in this world, are those in our own hearts. That is what should be fought our battle.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The cartoon character Pogo said: ‘We have met the enemy and it is us’

The face of the enemy offends me because I can see how it looks like mine – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

The wisdom of a man is his best friend, folly his worst enemy – William Temple

If you are a friend of yourself did you beat your worst enemy

The projecting enmity with yourself often on another

If no enemy is in your, an external enemy can not hurt – African proverb

It is the man's own mind, not the enemy or opponent, the allure him to do bad – Buddha

Thought Loos habitual behavior is the enemy of innovation – Rosabeth Moss Kanter

You're the worst, that ever happened – Vernon Howard

Your idealized self is the greatest enemy of your real me

We want the good, but do the poor – De Bijbel

Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do – Jesus

Chronically angry people are their own worst enemy – Peter Favaro

Dr.Cloud en Dr.Townsend: ‘We are our own worst enemies’

Verlaine Crawford wrote the book:’Ending the battle within’.

Chris de Burgh zingt over the battle between the head and the heart

If your heart is pure, your enemy is your friend, or even more, your teacher. Your worst enemies are your greatest teachers…, Wayne Dyer

Pat Benatar sings "Love is a battlefield ', she refers M.i. hence the conditional love that sings a Dutch singer on, she sings: if you all go for me, if you…as je..etc.etc. I'm yours, about conditional love talk….this is business and not love all is well named.

De Bijbel zegt: 'Love your enemies', there's a lot in, because they reflect on your weaknesses, your old pain and then you'll be aware of it and do something about it and transform and liberate you from old pain and conditioning. Dus ook de vijand in jezelf kan je grootste leraar worden als je hem omarmt en niet op anderen projecteert.

Tsultrim Allione says:"Everyone is fighting his own demons and wrote the book" Free your demons, about embracing your demons as part of your shadow side that can be transformed.

M’n vriend Peter de Kock zei:"Codependency is at war with yourself 'and I give him equal.

Aardig zijn naar jezelf houdt in dat je helder ziet in welke mate we onszelf kwetsen met meedogenloze zelfkritiek en dan een einde maken aan de innerlijke oorlog – Kristin Neff Ph.D.

Although all people pursuing happiness treat them in ignorance of their happiness as if it were their worst enemy – Shantideva.

Self Rejection is the lens through which we view all the other aspects of our self-image and so we ended up in a permanent struggle with ourselves – Jan Geurtz.

Freud was assumed that we are our own enemy

(Freud saw that man is at war with himself and often unable to tolerate too much reality, and he pronounced that dreams are the contraband representations of the beast within man which are smuggled into awareness during sleep.)

“ And the greatest enemy of the ego is of course the present moment, which means, life itself. ” – Eckhart Tolle.

‘War in my mind’ song van Beth Hart

Gerald Jampolsky writes: "Then it is quite understandable why the ego happiness, love and peace as its enemies look, because in such a state of mind we experience our spiritual essence '.

"Only forgiveness can give us what we want. And that's the reason that we ourselves must stop recycling anger, the pain, the bitterness and misery of both the inner and the outer war " – Gerald Jampolsky.

Zodra we bewust ons eigen aandeel leveren in de vorm van aandacht en intentie, laten we toe dat de gewaar-wordingen van pijn en ongemak hun vereiste loop nemen. Any other approach is a return to the hostile behavior of anesthesia and monitoring – Michael Brown in ‘Het Presence proces’.

Moraal:

Transformeer de vijandschap voor jezelf in vriendschap voor jeZelf, door je er bewust van te worden, door het onbewuste bewust te maken! Diep van binnen ben je Liefde, dat is je essentie, dus ook vriendschap met jeZelf en de ander.

Bron: Boek: quips (Friendship) – Henny Bos

Intonation +

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Intonation +

The way you talk to your friends, your use of voice, determines the effect of your communication. It is the tone that makes Fransen's zeggen music.

By intonation is meant the melody in your voice. Have a varied melody in your voice, then the other will rather see you as a happy, enthousiast en vriendelijk persoon. Heb je een zachte stem met weinig dan kan dat ervoor zorgen dat je onzeker of somber overkomt op de ander. (Bron: Internet met aanvulling van mij)

Een man schreeuwde IK HOU VAN JE!!! tegen zijn vrouw waardoor het eerder als dreigement overkwam dan als liefdesverklaring

Een man zei op een hele trieste manier: “Ik heb toch zo’n fijne relatie met mijn vriendin”. Door die intonatie kon je concluderen dat de relatie te wensen over liet. Hij sprak net als Droopy die heel triest zei: “I’m very happy”, so no!

Het ritme, tempo, de dynamiek, de toonhoogte, het volume, articulatie, de intervallen, melodie, drama(lach of traan), temperatuur, tongval, modulatie, klemtoon, timbre, stiltes en pauzes dat alles bepaalt de intonatie en het effect van wat je zegt. Bij elkaar heel wat aspecten waar je bewustzijn aan mag koppelen om bewust te spreken!

Is het een stelling of een vraag is ook nog een aspect:

Een vrouw werd gevraagd over twee mannen de spreken zonder hun namen te noemen, ze moest ze A en B noemen met de een had ze een fijn en liefdevol contact en met de ander een slecht contact met veel ellende. De luisteraars konden aan de intonatie van haar stem horen wie de liefdevolle was en wie de ellendeling.

Ik had ooit een vriend die heel zachtjes sprak. Zelfs zo weinig volume dat ik enorm mijn best moest doen om hem te volgen, als ik vroeg of hij wat luider wilde spreken, gaf hij daar geen gehoor aan. Ik verdacht hem daarom van sadisme, maar het kan ook verlegenheid, bescheidenheid of onzekerheid zijn geweest. In ieder geval kwam hij niet goed over.

Een dominante oom sprak zo luid dat ik er als kind van schrok en bang van werd, het klonk heel dreigend, diezelfde oom gaf ook een handdruk die pijn deed. Kies voor de gulden middenweg tussen te zachtjes en te luid spreken. Zorg voor dynamiek.

Vriend Charles belde me elke ochtend op en zei dan met een warme en liefdevolle stem met een bronzen stemgeluid: “Jongeman, ik wens je veel inspiratie!”. Charles overleed helaas op zijn 65ste al, ik denk nog vaak aan hem.

Ik sprak vroeger heel snel en besefte niet dat ik daardoor vaak niet te volgen was en niet werd begrepen. Ik deed alles snel dus ook praten en dat toonde mijn ongeduld aan en gebrek aan empathie en de drang om mezelf te bewijzen vanuit angst om geen betekenis te hebben. Nu spreek ik in een langzamer tempo en dat is heel wat beter.

Er zijn mensen die op agressieve en luide toon hun hond bevelen geven en niet snappen dat ze daardoor communiceren dat ze de controle kwijt zijn. De hond zal niet luisteren. Een hond hoort veel beter dan een mens dus als je hem beheerst en rustig bevelen geeft heeft dat een veel beter effect.

Ik denk dat dit trouwens niet alleen voor honden geldt maar ook voor mensen en met name je vrienden.

Een toon kan ook belerend zijn als mensen komen met ongevraagde adviezen en daardoor impliciet zeggen dat je er slecht aan toe bent, omdat jij zijn advies nodig hebt. Ongevraagd advies is hetzelfde als ongewenste intimiteit beide zijn niet welkom!

Er zijn mensen en ook vrienden van mij die er niet voor voelen om aan hun intonatie te werken, omdat ze denken dat ze dan niet echt meer zijn, unauthentic. Ze vergeten dat hun taalgebruik aangeleerd gedrag is dus hoe echt is dat? Het is net als met rijles; in het begin is alles vreemd. Gaandeweg wordt alles een tweede natuur en is het eigen geworden, zo gaat het ook met je intonatie; in het begin vreemd later een tweede natuur.

Om je hart, ziel en zaligheid kenbaar te maken doormiddel van je stem, daarvoor is veel moed en liefdevol bewustzijn voor nodig!

Doormiddel van je stem maak jij je gestemdheid en gesteldheid kenbaar!

Betekenis van je stem als instrument voor de communicatie mag vaker onderwerp zijn van gesprek met je vrienden meta-communicatie dus.,

Zeg je dwingend: “schrijf dat maar op, noteer dat maar” of kom je met een suggestie en zeg je vriendelijk: “Vind je het een goed idee om dit op te schrijven?”

Nog wat aforismen:

Je moet denken zoals de minsten, maar praten zoals de meesten.

Baltasar Graciàn

Hij mag er uit zien als een idioot en praten als een idioot, maar laat dat je niet foppen – hij is echt een idioot.

Groucho Marx

Als je op een hypocritische toon over alcoholmisbruik wilt horen praten, moet je in een kroeg gaan.

Simon Carmiggelt

Het gebeurt zelden dat twee mensen die over een bepaald onderwerp met elkaar praten het ook inderdaad over hetzelfde hebben.

Anna Blaman

De edele mens houdt ervan langzaam te zijn in het praten en snel in het handelen.

Mencius

Veel mannen praten als filosofen en leven als dwazen.

Philip K.Dick

Je bent wijs, je weet wijs te praten. Pas maar op voor te veel wijsheid!

Hermann Hesse

Woorden hebben ook vorm in de vorm van Takete en Maluma, Takete is scherp en fel bij voorbeeld het woord uitstekend. Maluma is zacht en warm bijvoorbeeld de woorden: heel goed. Dus ook de bewuste keuze van je woorden zorgen voor de juiste klankkleur.