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Care or control?

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Care or control?

I once had a consultation with a middle-aged couple. The couple started to argue in front of me. The man - clearly upset - turned to me and said: See what is happening? I care about her so much and this is what I get in return. ” To which his wife reacted furiously: “He doesn't care about me at all. He just wants to check on me!”
The husband's care was seen by his wife as controlling.

This incident got me thinking. What is caring and what is control? And how do you make the distinction? The answer became clear to me during an argument with my teenage daughter about an everyday parenting issue. Hard words had fallen back and forth, and we were both in tears.

A while later, when the emotions had subsided, we apologized to each other. My daughter hugged me and said: “Papa, do you know why you were upset? You weren't mad because I was doing it wrong, but you were angry because I did not take your advice. That's a big difference!”

I was amazed at her mature thinking; she had unknowingly answered my question. Under the guise of concern, I had tried to restrain her. That had been the cause of the conflict.


When I really care about someone, I will not get angry with that person. I will keep looking for different ways to help them.

When I'm struggling in a relationship I need to keep a close eye on subtle control hidden behind my apparent concern . Caring is an expression of love, while control is an expression of the ego.

Control removed. Care connects.

Control hurts. Care heals.

Keep taking care of people, but don't control them.

People are usually not wrong, they are just "different".

Keep worried… 😊

Larra Shah on Facebook, translated by Leontine van Mourik

Wanting you right and wanting results

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Many people would rather be right than happiness. When you talk to them, they prefer to be confirmed, they are so insecure of themselves! They allow themselves to be controlled by their urge for confirmation!

A friend joked about that and said: "You can say anything to me, but you will go furthest with flattery ”.

There was a counter with flattering lies and a counter with confrontational truth. All people stood before the counter of lies. Gurdjieff will be there too.

I read the book Caring enough to confront, it says that you only really love if you dare to confront the other person with truth and with his or her errors and illusions. Are you willing to enter into a possible conflict and lose control? Only then do you have compassion and love!

As a result we want to be right as a result, our benefit or confirmation. And so we can never make contact openly and problems arise.

“Between the banks of pain and pleasure,

stroomt de rivier van het leven.

Only when thinking and feeling beaches on one of the banks, and not going with the flow, creates misery. – Nisargadatta

As a result, we pursue our pleasure and our thoughts and feelings and thus strand on the banks of the river of life and so misery comes.

Amerikanen zeggen: “No pain, no gain”.

The most successful people in both spiritual and material areas, have had the most setbacks and failures. They did not get bitter, but got better!

I am not at all interested in my being right, but in my happiness. Happiness comes to the prepared mind!

I've noticed if you like what you do, and does what you love, the results present themselves. You are then in the “flow”. What Lao tse called "woe whei" either

do by not do….

Be like the bullseye, who does not care about a result either, but offers beauty and smells good, not to achieve anything, but because it is its nature.

Your nature is Love, even though you no longer know it and are alienated from it and now live under the control of fear. Follow your true nature and give and share love without worrying about the result, the cosmos will be good for you. If you want results from your love, it's business instead of love!

What you give and share comes back to you, je omgeving is de spiegel van jezelf!

If you want control and therefore talk a lot and listen little or not at all, you never come to in-depth communication. Everyone wants to be heard, but almost no one wants to listen.

Een cliënt praatte aan een stuk door, I hardly got a word in between, she "knew" everything so well and was sure of her case. Her son didn't want to talk to her anymore and it had to be up to him, for she was right (-). I advised her to sit next to her son saying she loves him and to keep silent and listen what her son would say to her. Also do not pull a questionable face, which would make her reject her son. She wanted to try it.

The wise Lao tse said: “Maybe I am the only muddler, because everyone is so sure of their case!”

Lao tse zei: “Be as soft as water, but also so strong that it hollows out the hardest rock ”.

Want control, you want right and want results, is what Nietzsche calls the will to power. And if you strive for power, you are now powerless!!

Bron: book Makes checking happy? Appears in the autumn 2020 Book published by Bent

Co creation

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Co creation

If you let go of control and arguing with things and people, You can reach gratitude and appreciation and that is respect and acceptance and feel the connection to everyone and everything. Then the universe will bless you, help and support. Then miracles can happen and you come to co-creation. You then enter the FLOW, and things seem to go without saying, What do Lao Tse said by not doing: wu wei!

In our desire for control, we create an image anywhere on how it should be, in our opinion, and that rigid image we hold.

Nietzsche zei: "Nothing is taken you so much displeased, then one must change its image towards you. The Bible already warns: ‘Maak van Mij geen beeld!"And we do not otherwise!

Schopenhauer zei tragicomic: ‘Eeuw na eeuw hebben de wijzen altijd hetzelfde gezegd, en eeuw na eeuw hebben de mensen altijd hetzelfde, namely, the opposite is done. Not for nothing that Jesus said on the cross: "Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do '.

The problem is that the less people know, the more they think they know and firmer is their opinion and views, where the more developed human being much more cautious in giving its opinion.

Most people co-create unconsciously controlled by their dark side, met alle ellende van dien. The intentions are usually good, maar de weg naar de hel is geplaveid met goede bedoelingen.

In my book How's read what people say about their lives: 'Nothing special', 'I can not complain'. 'His way'. Altogether no reason to hang out the flag, hence the desire for distraction and entertainment to escape from their misery!

They co-create with the pharmaceutical industry a slavery: 11 million Dutch take pills! 80% of Twente students has ever suffered from depression or anxiety. The number of people seeking solace in alcohol is also quite large, given the range of beers and wines in supermarkets.

If you wake up and are co-creating with the spiritual world you have all these distractions and addictions no longer needed, then feel gratitude, voldoening, love, vreugde, compound in place of separation, harmonie, vrede, respect, etc. Then let go of control and work with grace, and you will be blessed. Then you look forward you every day and then rest a blessing!

Tell you about the life and the magisterial is phenomenal and fascinating! That I grant you too, hence this story!

Bron: Book 'Makes Checking happy' – Henny Bos, appears over 2020, with advance registration 15% korting

Self and attention

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Attention shapes the self and is, in turn shaped by it.

Bron: Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly

Attention in the sense of mindfulness and attention creates the self and the self in turn creates the attention: that what you watch, What is your focus.

If your emphasis on love, you will notice a lot of love and that molds you into a loving being/self.

You are and become what you perceive, what you pay attention to, what has your attention and interest!

A rational person pays particular attention to his thinking, facts, numbers and statistics and that shapes and reinforces its rationality!

A person is thus controlled by his points of attention and also by his self, the two form a symbiotic relationship and thus are mutually dependent on each other.

The self-realized person

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Wayne Dyer asked Maslow: "What distinguishes the self-realized man the average man?!’

Maslow said that three things are:

 

-1- regardless of the opinion / approval of others

-2- no adhesion to the outcome

-3- no investment in control and power over others