Care or control?

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Care or control?

I once had a consultation with a middle-aged couple. The couple started to argue in front of me. The man - clearly upset - turned to me and said: See what is happening? I care about her so much and this is what I get in return. ” To which his wife reacted furiously: “He doesn't care about me at all. He just wants to check on me!”
The husband's care was seen by his wife as controlling.

This incident got me thinking. What is caring and what is control? And how do you make the distinction? The answer became clear to me during an argument with my teenage daughter about an everyday parenting issue. Hard words had fallen back and forth, and we were both in tears.

A while later, when the emotions had subsided, we apologized to each other. My daughter hugged me and said: “Papa, do you know why you were upset? You weren't mad because I was doing it wrong, but you were angry because I did not take your advice. That's a big difference!”

I was amazed at her mature thinking; she had unknowingly answered my question. Under the guise of concern, I had tried to restrain her. That had been the cause of the conflict.


When I really care about someone, I will not get angry with that person. I will keep looking for different ways to help them.

When I'm struggling in a relationship I need to keep a close eye on subtle control hidden behind my apparent concern . Caring is an expression of love, while control is an expression of the ego.

Control removed. Care connects.

Control hurts. Care heals.

Keep taking care of people, but don't control them.

People are usually not wrong, they are just "different".

Keep worried… 😊

Larra Shah on Facebook, translated by Leontine van Mourik

Shadow work

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Shadow work
We get to know things through their opposite. So if we want to know the light we have to look to the dark for the shadow. Karin Bloemen said: "I only knew what light was, when it was turned off by you ". Jung zei: "We are not illuminated by proposing our light statures, but by becoming aware of our dark side ". Either the dark side.
Shadow sides often arose in our youth, then 9 of the 10 messages were negative, we push that into our subconscious, that is 10 times stronger than our conscious.
So without being aware of it, we allow ourselves to be led and suffer by fear, woede, hebzucht, wants to power, enmity with yourself, codependentie, selfishness and other negative and harmful states of mind.
Know that what irritates and annoys you and what you dislike in the other says a lot about your unconscious dark side!
I am certified in Shadow work and can help you turn the subconscious into conscious and fear, woede, etc with Love!
In about a year and a half 2.000 coached people over the phone and discovered that most unconsciously let fear and other negative moods lead and suffer, dus…..
Any part that we deny in ourselves, turns against us. We also tend to see our dark side in others, so projection.
The book Owning your own self by Robert Johnson is recommended.
The book Bringing your shadow out of the dark by Robert A Masters is also very good.
Udemy has good video courses on Shadow work.
Jung zei: "I'd rather be whole than good". Whole means embracing both day and night, both the light and the dark. Instead of wanting to be "good" hypocritically. Nietzsche zei: "Beware of the" good guys "because they are the most poisonous flies that sting". And there he has a point. When you confront such a "good one" with his dark side, so with truth, he will become furious and counterattack! Because you disturb his illusion of only being good!
Be the necessary devil for one, and a loving angel for the other, then you are whole and perfectly imperfect.

What people call normal is the result of projection, introjection, split, denial, angst, wants to power, repression and other destructive actions.
That is what I think is, because we do not want to see our shadow side and push it to our subconscious that is 10 times stronger than our conscious one. So we don't know what we're doing, as Jesus said on the cross: “Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do!

Once you accept the presence of your shadow, space is created for inner peace – Tsultrim Allione in Free Your Demons / Feeding your demons

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

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DGT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
Dialectic is the thesis antithesis and synthesis. It is the golden mean of the Buddha. The loving reconciliation of the opposites. 24 hours is the synthesis of day and night. Our dark side is also important. Jung said we are not enlightened by imagining luminaries, but by becoming aware of our dark side!

Precisely through the opposites we get to know things. I learned joy when I experienced deep sorrow. The synthesis was happiness / art
DGT is mainly used in borderline and autism but in my opinion it is more widely applicable and usable.

The focus in DGT is mainly on:
-mindfulness
-pain / sadness tolerance **, No pain, no gain
-emotional regulation / stress management
-interpersonal effectiveness

**The following poem by Nisargadatta illustrates this beautifully, here again the dialectic:
Between the banks of pain and pleasure, stroomt de rivier van het leven.
“Only when beaches think and feel 1 from the banks and not go with the flow, all misery arises ”.

Many people are stranded on the bank of pleasure, so there will be or there will be misery.
If you want fun, are you not having a good time and chances are that you are an enemy of yourself. DGT can also help here. In combination with CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I am also a certified DGT and CBT coach / counselor

DGT says we 3 have minds:
-1- Rational / logical mind
-2- Emotional mind
-3- In my opinion, wisdom mind is also Love mind. Where there is wisdom, there is also love and vice versa!

Abraxas is the synthesis of the thesis that is the Christian God and the devil, Abraxas takes in those two opposites. Op 16 I read about Abraxas in Hesse and confronted the pastor with it, he didn't want to hear about it.

Love is the thesis, fear is the antithesis and the synthesis is unconditional love, Divine Love.

The Yin / Yang symbol is also the reconciliation of the opposites 1 symbol, with the addition that the light is always a bit dark and in the dark always some light. Betty Ford did a lot of shadow work, I also learned a lot from it.

DGT is the therapy of acceptance and not judgment. My aphorism is: "Acceptance is the key to transformation". So I recognized a lot in the course.

Intradependentie

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Intradependentie

Intradependentie, is your dependence of your subpersonalities on parts of yourself, who want to play boss.

You are then not congruent, maar verdeeld. The sub-personalities compete with each other.

Shakespeare gods: ‘Ik speel in mijn leven vele rollen, maar geen enkele raakt de kern’.

The sub-personalities are, as it were, orchestral members without leadership. They all play their own song and try to drown each other out. Then it is time for the conductor to come and order the members of the orchestra and let them play a harmonic song. That is also the meaning of universe one song.

As long as your sub-personalities are in control, if you are not congruent, the law of attraction does not work for you.
You can become one piece and get to your core.

Life is about your Core, your essence, to come to your Self.

Wanting you right and wanting results

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Many people would rather be right than happiness. When you talk to them, they prefer to be confirmed, they are so insecure of themselves! They allow themselves to be controlled by their urge for confirmation!

A friend joked about that and said: "You can say anything to me, but you will go furthest with flattery ”.

There was a counter with flattering lies and a counter with confrontational truth. All people stood before the counter of lies. Gurdjieff will be there too.

I read the book Caring enough to confront, it says that you only really love if you dare to confront the other person with truth and with his or her errors and illusions. Are you willing to enter into a possible conflict and lose control? Only then do you have compassion and love!

As a result we want to be right as a result, our benefit or confirmation. And so we can never make contact openly and problems arise.

“Between the banks of pain and pleasure,

stroomt de rivier van het leven.

Only when thinking and feeling beaches on one of the banks, and not going with the flow, creates misery. – Nisargadatta

As a result, we pursue our pleasure and our thoughts and feelings and thus strand on the banks of the river of life and so misery comes.

Amerikanen zeggen: “No pain, no gain”.

The most successful people in both spiritual and material areas, have had the most setbacks and failures. They did not get bitter, but got better!

I am not at all interested in my being right, but in my happiness. Happiness comes to the prepared mind!

I've noticed if you like what you do, and does what you love, the results present themselves. You are then in the “flow”. What Lao tse called "woe whei" either

do by not do….

Be like the bullseye, who does not care about a result either, but offers beauty and smells good, not to achieve anything, but because it is its nature.

Your nature is Love, even though you no longer know it and are alienated from it and now live under the control of fear. Follow your true nature and give and share love without worrying about the result, the cosmos will be good for you. If you want results from your love, it's business instead of love!

What you give and share comes back to you, je omgeving is de spiegel van jezelf!

If you want control and therefore talk a lot and listen little or not at all, you never come to in-depth communication. Everyone wants to be heard, but almost no one wants to listen.

Een cliënt praatte aan een stuk door, I hardly got a word in between, she "knew" everything so well and was sure of her case. Her son didn't want to talk to her anymore and it had to be up to him, for she was right (-). I advised her to sit next to her son saying she loves him and to keep silent and listen what her son would say to her. Also do not pull a questionable face, which would make her reject her son. She wanted to try it.

The wise Lao tse said: “Maybe I am the only muddler, because everyone is so sure of their case!”

Lao tse zei: “Be as soft as water, but also so strong that it hollows out the hardest rock ”.

Want control, you want right and want results, is what Nietzsche calls the will to power. And if you strive for power, you are now powerless!!

Bron: book Makes checking happy? Appears in the autumn 2020 Book published by Bent