Looking back at 2011

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On this last day of the year 2011 many look back on the past year. I want to do that now too. What has the year brought me?. I was able to write many brochures, especially about codependency and made CDs about codependency and the art of living & geluk. Three lectures and singing bowl concert. Launched the site. In total I have such 200 initiatives taken, of which there 50 succeeded and passed a score of 25%, which I am very happy and satisfied with.

Many articles written, some of which were published in the magazine Spiegelbeeld. I was also in Frontier magazine and Paravisie.

My Apple computer got a new hard drive, which makes it even faster and has even more memory.

Hanging out a lot with Elly and friends, learned to judge less quickly and not to interfere so quickly, interfere less in the lives of others.

DVD recordings made, 6 short videos about codependency. Written to two books viz: "Anger Motivation & codependency’ and ‘Personal boundaries & codependentie’

's new TV 102 cm bought just before IT's went bankrupt. Done a few things for the LETS. Developed my talent for good cooking, I eat even better now. More practiced in letting go and forgiving and immersed myself in anger management, repair en wabi sabi.

Read a lot in English books about codependency and made notes about it. Freed me further from being codependent on my way to interdependence. Many new contacts have arisen as a result of my writing and publications.

There was also criticism, that I can be pedantic and stubborn and show some empathy, I will take it to heart. I also received nice compliments for my work, many have put information about me on their site, or incorporated into their books and/or taken to heart.

It was striking that especially therapists appreciate my work so much and also people who are open to spiritual growth and development.

There were also conflicts. because I guard my boundaries better, learned from the conflicts that we often fight over differences in methods, but that our needs do not differ, there often lay the solution to the conflict

With a certain sadness I say goodbye to this year, that is another lesson for me in letting go and being open to the new (jaar). Jesus said it all: ‘Zie ik maak alle dingen nieuw’.

Deeksha (inwijding)

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An acquaintance of mine who I will call Sjaak is poor, he lives on a meager unemployment benefit and occasionally makes some extra money by making music. I once invited him to my house and he had to 40 driving miles, he found that objectionable and said that was not possible.

It is striking, however, that he manages to regularly go to his guru in India to receive deeksha and to be initiated.. The handy guru makes him believe that he has already achieved it and tickles his ego by telling him that he is now ready to give deekshas himself, whatever this madman is doing.

Jack told me:When you see THE truth, like me with my guru, then all you can do is smile". I think only a fool always laughs and thinks he knows THE truth.

He also wanted to give me a diksha and was very serious about it. I agreed and he acted like a saint going to work miracles. For me it was not an unpleasant experience because I believe his intentions are good, only he is also an ego-tripper and an unconscious who likes to believe that he is conscious and initiated. After the diksha I didn't feel like an initiate or anything else because I like to keep my feet on the ground and don't want to cover up the imperfections in myself but to transform and that is my life's work.

I don't believe in a quick fix in an instant solution, that you could be awakened by a simple laying on of hands, however, if you want to try it, you can go to deeksha nederland voor meer informatie

Tingsha’s

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Tingsha ‘s zijn cymbales antiques, kleine bekkens, per paar aan een riem bevestigd, die gebruikt worden in het boeddhisme.

Ze worden meestal met de verhoudingsgewijs dikke randen tegen elkaar geslagen, maar aanslaan met een metalen staafje kan ook. Tingsha’s zijn soms voorzien van ornamentatie met motieven uit het boeddhisme.

Tingsha’s worden over het algemeen van zeven metalen gemaakt, net als klankschalen.Tingsha’s worden door boeddhistische monniken gebruikt, maar werden al gebruikt voor de komst van het boeddhisme. De zuivere klank van een paar tingsha’s heeft een bijzondere invloed op de werking van de geest.

Wanneer men voor elk oor zo’n klinkende tingsha houdt, create a "stereo effect ': het is alsof de klank midden in het hoofd zingt, alles wegvagend wat daar nog aan gedachten aanwezig is.In Tibetaans-boeddhistische meditatierituelen worden tingsha’s op verschillende manieren gebruikt.

Bij bepaalde collectieve meditatievormen brengt de heldere klank de tijdens de oefening afgedwaalde meditatieleerling terug in de heldere leegte van het niet-denken. Dit klankeffect is er onmiddellijk, bij de eerste tik, en het blijft doorwerken, lang nadat het geluid in de fysieke oren is opgehouden.

Ik gebruik de tingsha’s in combinatie met klankschalen bij concerten die ik geef en doe het ook als meditatie voor mezelf, het maakt je leeg en dat is heerlijk

Hier een voicerecorderopname van 1 set tingsha’s: tingsha’s vrc

Hier is een geluidsfragment van twee sets tingsha’s: tingsha’s mp3

 

 

Een tip van de sluier

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Het lied ‘een tip van de sluier’ van Boudewijn de Groot vertelt veel over hoe veel relaties in elkaar zitten en ook de relatie met m’n vrouw was toen ik nog met ‘r getrouwd was na m’n crisis, want toen viel het me pas op. Na m’n crisis zei ik:’Ik ken je eigenlijk helemaal niet, wie ben je?’ (Ik ontdekte dat iets wordt gekend naar de mate het wordt geliefd).

Ze wilde er niks van weten en wilde alleen maar de oude Henny terug, de materialist. Ze wilde alleen praten over de vakanties, de Ikea, de boodschappen, de nieuwe keuken, kortom drama en geen essentie.

Ik denk dat veel partners slechts een tip van de sluier van elkaar te zien krijgen en elkaar nauwelijks kennen. Een man zei op z’n sterfbed tegen z’n zoon:’Heeft je moeder echt van me gehouden?’, hij wist het toen nog niet. Veel partners stellen zich tevreden met een oppervlakkig contact en zijn bang om alleen te zijn…

Elly en ik zaten een keer op een terrasje in een geanimeerd gesprek met elkaar toen we naast ons een stel ontdekten dat in de twee en een halfuur dat ze naast ons zaten niets tegen elkaar hadden gezegd en verveeld om zich heenkeken met een getormenteerde blik, hopend dat er iets zou gebeuren, heel treurig. Ze waren vreemden voor elkaar en hadden elkaar niks meer te melden. Ik moest aan Wim Sonneveldt denken die zei:’M’n vrouw is een mooi boek maar ik heb het al lang uit!’.Heel oppervlakkig dus dat ‘contact’(?).

Een grappige opmerking was van een vrouw die zei:’Diep van binnen ben ik heel oppervlakkig’

Hier het lied van Boudewijn de Groot dat ik deels meezing, denkend aan de oude tijden en liefdes die nu voorbij zijn: Een tip van de sluier

Over sluier gesproken. Ene Rudolf Sluier stelde zich voor en spelde z’n naam hij zei: ‘ De S van sluier, de L van luier, de U van uier, de I van ier, de E van er en de R van Rudolf, leuk he(Ja, ik kan het ook nooit laten om ook grappen te vertellen, Voltaire zei:’Ik beschouw ernst als een ziekte’)

Rollen in de TA en dramadriehoek

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WHAT WE ROLL PLAY T.O.V. OUR PARTNER?

Uit de Transactionele analyse(TA) kennen we de rollen Ouder, Adult and Child, the rollers in each other are as follows:

 

PARENT: If you behave like your parents / guardians did.

ADULT: If you behave, think and feel in a way that suits the realities of the present and the person you are NOW, in accordance with the possibilities you have NOW. (This has however nothing to do with an adult: a child 6 can also assume the adult role).

KIND: If you behave, thinks and feels like when you were a child.

We usually frequent change of role, but there are also people who mainly play a particular role and / or exclude another role.

If A is in the role of parent and is focused on the child in B, B can not react as adult to adult A, but must itself or as a child or as a parent preparing to meet and to create report.

FIXING AND subversive SIDE OF THE ROLES:

PARENT: FEEDING: worry, be- & encourage, watch out for the other. CRITICAL: prohibit, patronize, areas, check, overstelpen, slash, ignore, smaller, beleren. LIMITS: overschrijd de grenzen van anderen nogal eens

ADULT: POSITIVE: Record information, accept the situation, think logically, plan, realistic in the now, empatisch, loving. NEGATIVE: calculate, uninvolved, detached, void. LIMITS: healthy boundaries that can open and close as needed, flexible en dynamic

KIND: FREE: impulsive, spontaneous, creative, lerende capaciteit. NEGATIVE: claiming, egocentric, childish. OBEY of REBELS: docile / adjusted or oppositional (= As adjusted!).. LIMITS: has its limits not

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE: MAKES & MANIPULATION.

(reactions from the rolls PARENT & KIND. The adult role does not participate here).

PROSECUTOR:

Sees the other as inferior and not okay.

Kleineert de other.

Is accusatory

Reproaches.

Is evil without positive desire for change.

Violating the limits of the other

The prosecution says & thinks & feels example:

“Now I've got you…”

“You're doing it all wrong.

“If you / the world was different…”

“I have warned you….”

“If you do not do what I say….”

“To you I have nothing…”

“You're a bad partner / husband / father….”

“I want to get my gram…”

“You have done me vanalles”

 

REDDER:

Sees the other as inferior and not okay.

Responds by offering help from a superior position.

Sees the other as helpless.

Gives himself the right / duty to help (even without the other person helps itself).

Provides assistance that keeps dependent / make.

Overestimated themselves and underestimated the other.

Violating the limits of the other

 

The Saviour says & thinks & feels example:

“I'm trying to just help”

“Why do not you…”

“What you need to without me…”

“It is in your own interest”

“Let me do it”

 

VICTIM:

Sees himself as inferior and not okay.

Complains without taking responsibility.

Keeps / makes them unnecessarily dependent.

Underestimate themselves and overestimated others.

Let violating its limits

 

Victim says & thinks & feels example:

“I do not know / can it not / do not get it….”

“It is so hard…”

“Poor me…”

“Yes but….”

“Shovel & lettuce & but insults, I deserve it…”

“You know how it all better than I”

“You're always so me on my neck”

“You always nag”

“I can never do it right”

“It's all up to me”

 

Casualties

You feel you are a victim of everything around you. You often speak in terms of 'yes, but', "I happen to be so ',"I am the way it is busy ', "I can do nothing to do ' , ‘het komt door de kredietcrisis/de overheid/de ander’,etc. In short: Victims like to complain and often feel less than others. They also often feel resentful because their adaptive behavior does not produce the result they would like to see, they are self-effacing in hopes be rewarded and that does not work and this leads to resentment and anger

Prosecutors

You fall another happy verbally with words and phrases like; 'You're so forgetful ", 'To you I have nothing', "I annoy me a lot of you ', "You can not even stop that whining" etc. Prosecutors drop others, always know better and often place themselves above others. The prosecutor says the other person what he or she should think, feeling and doing and wants to control the other.

Rescuers / helpers

You help others too numerous and too happy and you take your responsibilities that do not belong to you. You solve problems too happy to colleagues, find it hard to delegate and loves to harmony. Rescuers do not go like conflicts. Rescuers do not understand that if they never learn the other person to take responsibility for their lives, they are taking over the other and it is quite presumptuous and patronizing and arrogant and there lies so inferiority among, the shadow side of the Enneagram type helper is the feeling I'm not worth anything. They think they can derive their value from their helping behavior and try to take it so outside, where it is not to be found.

The trick is to get the subtlety to go see the roles in your work / life. This is only when you look very honestly at yourself and see that every day many times is in the drama triangle.

Here, too, is changed from time to time of roll.

For example:

Victim has at some point had enough of the Saviour or the Prosecutor. Then he / she can stand up and assume the role of prosecutor. The Saviour or prosecutor then takes often the role of victim to: “I'm trying to just help.” (formerly the Savior) of “What have I done so wrong?!” (formerly the Prosecutor).

STEPS HOW WE OUT HERE?

Tips for PROSECUTOR:

Provide and / or ask for feedback and do want to influence a step back rather than the lives of others, command & check. Respect the limits of the other.

Tips for the SAVIOUR:

Help to tune the other by help the others and take responsibility for yourself instead. only for the other. And see that the other self must take its responsibilities and provide assistance only when prompted, and thus violating the borders of other non.

Tips for VICTIM:

Be realistic and responsible for your own life instead. merely pointing to the other. Pay more attention to your limits, Be assertive and respect your limits.

Bron: Espavo – Sylvia Slegers, met heel wat aanvullingen van mij. Dit artikel zal worden opgenomen in de brochure ‘Persoonlijke grenzen en codependentie’ dat in 2012 will appear